Vampires, · Beer · Cans · and · Baseball, · OH · MY!

But I've finally figured out what I'm doing next year, and well it's insane, but at the same time wonderful, and the idea of it makes me happier than anything has in a long, long time.

Next year, well I suppose I need to stop thinking in terms of years = school year, because soon I will no longer be a student. Anyways, I'll rephrase, come late August (probably) when I finish my dissertation (that i'll hopefully be allowed to write) I'll be moving back to the Boston area, and....

Starting a Theatre Company. Yep that's right. To those of you that may read this that have known me since my Grandstreet days, it makes sense, I miss Theatre, and I know I ran away from it a long, long time ago, because I was treated really badly by people I respected, but after a series of coincidences (that I mainly blame on Lera) as well as working for New Rep last year, I've decided it's time to go back to my first love, and I've found a way to incorporate my other love, Russian/Soviet history/culture. My fringe Theatre Co. will be a 501(c)3 non-profit, that provides a space for new and innovative Theatrical pieces to be performed, as well as bringing seldom done Russian and Soviet Theatre pieces to life in the states.

Now some of you may say, Boston, why Boston and not New York? That's simple, Boston is better equipped to support a Fringe Theatre company without running it into the ground, like I fear would happen in New York City. Also, I have theatre contacts in Boston that will help me if I struggle, and it's also easier to find actors willing to do something for peanuts in Boston. Also, theres a good chance New Rep can hire me to do oddball jobs next year, and I like Boston and I know Boston. Although because of my strong desire to live alone with my dog and cat, I'm thinking about living in Lowell and commuting into Boston rather than paying money I won't have to live in Boston, in a place that probably won't let me have my dog and cat.

I know this is all a big change from teaching, but I'm going to do it anyway. And the Russian/Soviet angle will look good when I decide to reapply for PhD programs.

It's crazy, but I'm only 23, it's alright to fuck up now, rather than later, while I'm young.

A big huge thank you to Lera and Rachael for talking me through the decision process and helping me believe in myself in the process

I believe in second chances, even third chances, maybe more. People are not perfect, and being as imperfect as we are every last one of us is bound to make a mistake every once in a while. I know that I have made my fair share and then some. I have not been a good person many times in my life. I am ashamed of those instances, but I don't regret them, regret is silly, it holds you back. I've learned that. I have to embrace who I am now is a result of the person I was three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, etc., and for the first time in my life I think I'm starting to maybe like the person that I am becoming.

St. Andrews is a very good place for me. I'm learning to be myself here outside of the vices of drugs, and especially alcohol that have been such a huge part of my life for the past few years. For years now I've been afraid to express my feelings, because for so long people told me I was stupid, I was overreacting or the worst, that I had no right to feel the way I did. So I bottled it up, drank myself stupid, and then cried, and babbled out what I was feeling, so no one had to take me seriously, but at least I'd said something. But I'm starting to try and talk again, even though I still worry that I'll be a burden to those people I love most. St. Andrews has made me realize that friends are friends because of who you are, not what you do, and as someone who constantly feels the need to please other people it's about time I figured that out. In general St. Andrews is making me a better and happier person. Lera said it herself, I'm happier and healthier here than she's seen me.

St. Andrews has also taught me that mistakes in the past can be corrected, well maybe not St. Andrews, but being here has taught me that. Lera, one of my dearest and most treasured friends, is a perfect example of that. For nearly a year we basically hated each other. Well she hated me, and I was afraid of her. But now, I can't imagine my life without her, I'm so glad that I got the courage to write her a stupid email out of nowhere that sparked the renewal of a really special friendship, and being so far apart from everything else I hold dear has proven to me that friendship isn't about space or time, it's about how you connect with a person, believing in someone else, because they believe in you; friendship is about support, honesty and understanding. Lera has given me the strength I need to be here and stay here, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Other people from my past are popping back into my life, as I feel yet other people who have been a huge part of my life for years fading into the background. Last summer I was able to reconnect with Jess Grennan, someone who was never really a friend before, but rather my boss, but my boss who took care of me, and gave me an opportunity most 17 year olds don't get. Now Jess is a fantastic friend, someone that I admire and love dearly, and all it took for me to forge a meaningful friendship with her was some time and a sleazy Helena bar. Chrissy is another person I feel is worth writing about. Chrissy is a major blast from the past, we were friends, good friends, nearly 8 years ago. That friendship fell apart because of me, jealousy and immaturity caused me to push away a really good person, and lose a really good friend for the better part of a decade. However over the last year, through of all things myspace, Chrissy has become a part of my life again, a friend that I feel comfortable with at least opening up to on some level, and someone that I hope feels like I'm worth having around for a while again. I'd like to see her again someday, and I may soon.

Other people are slowly fading out of my life. People that I thought would be apart of my life forever. I'm gone, forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. I'm okay with that on some level. My life is so different now then the lives of most people I thought would be my friends forever. I'm a world a way, literally thousands of miles a way, and I can't expect people to know how to cope and connect with me anymore. It hurts though, that I'm so easily forgotten. I feel like I've always been, my entire life, second choice. No one's best friend, easily forgotten, easily ignored and easy to dismiss as the crazy one.

With that said though I do have best friends, one who most people would say is not so good for me. He's a little crazy, and perhaps we make bad decisions together, but I care about him SO much, and I know, whether he shows it or not in a way that other people think is acceptable that he cares about me too. He's the kind of friend that knows how to cheer me up no matter what, even if it's not in the most productive way. He's also the kind of friend that will give me his opinion on anything, without really caring if it'll hurt my feelings or not, because it's what I need to hear. My other best friend, she's a different kind of friend, she's the kind of friend that supports me no matter what, but she also doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm being an idiot. She's the kind of friend that gives me the strength I need to make scary decisions. She's the kind of friend that will let me cry on her shoulder without trying to cheer me up because she knows that sometimes crying is the best remedy. Both of these people mean the world to me, and I'd be lost without them.

Tomorrow is the start of a new semester for me. I need to do well, my M.Litt hangs on this semester. I need to work hard, and I need to work well. So I needed to get some of this off my chest. I haven't been in the best frame of mind lately, and that's mainly because I've been holding in a lot of things. There's one person who needs a confrontation, but I don't know how to do it, so I'm slowly working my way there.

That is Mila, the most wonderful, fantastic cat that I know in this world. She's even more fantastic than my own kitty, Gena. Mila is Teri's cat, and has been for the past almost six years. She's always been a little off, but last Friday Teri found out Mila tested positive for teh Feline Leukemia Virus. A very distressing fact. At least Finn and Doyle are both healthy, but it still worries me, because I love Mila. Mila and I have always had a very special relationship ever since Teri got her. She always slept with me when I was at Teri's and the two times I've been very drunk and very sick at Teri's Mila has taken care of me.

It also worries me because it tears my heart apart to see Teri so upset, talking to her I realize that she is at every moment on the brink of tears. I want nothing more than to fix everything and make Mila better, perfect, just like she has always been in my life. I can't do that though, and it makes me hurt. I also hurt just because I love Mila almost as much as Teri does and I would be devestated if anything happened to little bug.

In short, I'm fucking worried, and I may be going home again for a weekend, just to comfort Teri if anything happens to Mila Monster.

Mom

i hate that i'm crazy because of you

i hate that my grades were never good enough, no matter how hard i tried
so i stopped trying

i hate that i worry that your ruining his life too, he doesn't deserve the same hell i've gone thru

i hate that i'm afraid to be home, home with people who love me because i'm afraid of seeing you

i hate the fact that i still feel like i'm 12, when i'm an adult

i hate that you don't understand me

i hate that we never talked, about anything

i hate the fact that no matter what, you won't deal with the fact that she's dead, has been dead, and will continue to be dead

i hate that i've never been something your proud of

i hate that my best has never and will probably never be good enough

i hate that you try to impose your values on me

i hate that you didnt leave me alone that night

i hate that you dont understand that i'm trying to help myself, to crawl out from under your pressure, and you won't accept it, you keep pushing me under

i hate, hate HATE the fact that my little brother calls in tears at least once a week because he's so mad and frustrated, and theres nothing i can do about it.

and most of all i hate the fact that no matter what i dont hate you

Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in life. It's 5 am, and I just watched the first part of the series finale of Dawson's Creek, and I'm in some sort of teary mess now. I can't figure it out. How come I'm the one thats sitting here, right now, all by myself, stuck somewhere between miserable and hopelessly depressed.



I keep trying to figure out what I'm running from, where I'm trying to go, but I can't, I'm almost convinced that I'm running from myself, and I'll never get away.



Oh god, I wish I could figure this all out. i wish I knew how to make friends again, friends like I have at home, and I wish, and I wonder why i ever felt the need to get out of Helena in the first fucking place. I'm pretty convinced every now and then that it was the wrong decision.



I'm done, just confused, and done, and not willing to fight anymore

As breaks goes, this one was relatively acceptable. It's coming to an end now, and I"m simply just waiting for the emotional impact of going back to Boston and resuming my life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Boston, I enjoy my roomates, and I'm having a good time trying to get everything to work out, however, being home I have realized just a few things, and I have also realized how truly blessed I am to come from where i come from.

In life, I truly believe that people come and people go. Friends can be friends for a specific time period, to teach you something, or friends can be lifelong friends, people that will always be in your heart, and know how to make you smile.

I've had some really fantastic conversations this break, that have really opened my eyes to what I want out of the world, and what I should expect from people. It's amazing, because although most of these conversations have been with people older than I, I did have a conversation that was just fantastic with Mary, who is my junior...okay only by about six months, but she's still at Colgate, and will be for another year and a half, and I'm done, out, and perhaps have something of worth to say.

I also remembered something while I was home for break, I remembered why I cared once. Jodi reminded me that I actually did something for worth, that made a difference for a significant chunk of my high school years. Sure I was only an Intern at the democratic party, and sure, that probably doesnt mean much to anyone, but I was part of something, i was part of the gradual, yet sucessful democratic takeback of montana. This past election cycle was the first at the party without bob, brad, jodi, etc and look what happened, we actually lost seats. It's actually kind of cool to think that I had something to dow tih that, even if it just meant stuffing envelopes, calling volunteers, etc.

I've definitely done enough bulk mailings though to last my entire life.

I probably have so much more to say, I just don't know what to say.

So just so you know, you know who you are but thank you so much for making my life a better thing

So its is now officially 2007. I've already had a hangover, bad service at IHOP and been in the middle of a war zone thanks to my emotionally unstable family. So now its time to look back on 2006, the highs, the lows, the hangovers, and the fights, to see what I can take from last year in an effort to make me a better person, or some emotional shit like that.

January: Started off with the normal New Years trend of party at Kaci's, involving silly games, and walks around the block. It ended with hangovers and blacking out drunk. In between, strangely enough 2006 started the same way it would end. I got into trouble at a party at Kaci's while wicked drunk, and had to call Teri to come to the rescue...more on that later. I don't remember much else about January.

February: Lets see, Loincloth played Nichols, I got wicked sicck, and quickly counted down the days to my 21st birthday.

March: My birthday, finally my fucking birthday, finally 21. I managed a trip home for spring break, where I had an interesting break. I got to spend the birthday with the one and only Teri, which was freaking awesome. A little sister needs to be taken out for her first legal drink by her big sister. Also went back to Colgate, prom, etc.

April: Um did anything intersting happen in april? Oh right, Battle of the Bands, which resulted in me going into a drunken rage. Drag Ball. And that fantastic video Lera and I made for her interview for Lowell Whiteman

May: Graduation, graduation, graduation. OH and Hilton Head that was suprisingly a very good time, even though I was super worried about the whole trip. I did get bit by a spider inside my ear...but oh well. Back to graduation though, I don't remember much of the whole weekend, something about way too much alcohol. Ha. I also moved to Boston.

June-August: The summer was not very memorable, in fact it was one of the hardest summers of my life. Andrea visited me. And that was about all that was exciting. I did move into my new apartment at the end of the month, which was pretty freaking awesome. ANNNNDDDD I ALSO GOT MY FANTASTIC KITTY GENA!

September: Started grad school, thought it worked out well to start with, I learned that I don't like many people, other than my roomates. I picked up a job or 12.

October: Allison's birthday was pretty awesome. My depression was pretty awesome. I I I I dunno. Found out about the hypothyroidism.

November: Um, I became an insomniac....a big complete and total insomniac. Teri finally called me back

December: Tim came to visit, Masha saved my life...and I came home. The year practically ended the same way it began, I got into a bad decision at a party at Kaci's house, had a panic attack, and Teri came to save me. I also got to spend a little bit of time with the Teri, she got me into makeup. And New Years eve...much much much too drunky but good

So 2006 is over, and 2007 continues. I've been blessed to have a few people in my life, and I've been blessed to be able to play around with grad school, etc.

I think now I must retire to think some more, but look for a new bulletin re 2006 again sometimes soon

this post has been a long time coming
This blog, these thoughts, have been floating around in my head for a long, long time, as I struggle to deal with what I have become, and what I have lost.

On Monday night, Teri made a comment that disturbed me, and it did so because its true. She told me I'd lost my compassion, and that made her sad. It's so true, I have become a bitter, cynical shell of the person I once was, and I'm not sure why that's happened.

I think, in all honesty it stems from many things, my insecurities, my inhibitions, and most of all the amount of times I've been hurt in my life, and because of all of those factors I am no longer able to care.

Lately, people have been bothering me a lot, and I"m wondering if thats a manifestation, among many things of a bipolar cycle. That's not all thats causing it though. I think that I"m tired of being surrounded by self-righteous people who have all the answers. I'm tired of that type of person, because I used to be that type of person, and I've lost all of that. I used to care about things, about people, and about making a difference and changing the world.

I blame all of these things on the fact that I've been hurt my entire life. Friends have forgotten me or forsaken me, lovers have betrayed me and broken my heart, and even my parents have been disappointed in the life i've chosen to attempt to pursue.

what's wrong with that though is that i'm not happy with the life i've chosen to pursue, because i don't know what i want. i have to true loves in life, soviet history and baseball. unfortunately, i chose baseball in a tepid attempt to be a journalist because the big story is that i'm afriad of not being able to handle myself in a world where its difficult to find work, to be original, and to be someone who teaches someone else.

Also, no one seems to understand my real passions in life, and because of that i pick and chose.

i wish i knew how to feel again, and i don't know where to put these thoughts or these feelings, and there aren't that many people who care to listen.

Stolen from Allison
I'm russian OBVIOIUSLY

sometimes i wish i wasn't a failure at thigns like waking up

now i have to go explain to marina why i wasn't in class, and figure out what we're supposed to be writing about for monday....i' waiting for her to yell at me.........sweet i love it when russian babyshkas yell at me

sight


Italian
[x] The Godfather is a great movie.
[ ](Grandfather too)] Your grandmother makes her own sauce.
[ ] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know a lot of italian songs.
[ ] You have dark hair and dark eye color
[ ] You speak some italian.
[] You are under 5'10''.
[] Pizza is the best food in the world.
[x ] You talk with your hands.
Total= 2

Hispanic
[ ] You say member instead of REmember
[ ] You speak spanish.
[x] You love rice and Beans.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.
[ ] You are dark skinned
[ ] You know what a Bodega is.
[ ] You talk fast.
[ ] If you are a guy you get a shape up, If you are a girl you have had highlights or dyed your hair.
Total= 1

Russian
[ ] you say villian as: Vee-lon
[x] you know of sombody named boris/natasha
[x] you get cold easily
[x] you get short tempered
[x] white white skinned
[ ] you are athletic
[x] snow is fun for you
[x] You get into contests often
[ x] You can easily make do with the cold weather
Total = 7

Irish
[x] you think beer is the best.
[x] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc OR Murph or O' or Fitz or ends with a ly,on,sh,un,an,ry,lo.
[] You have blue or green eyes.
[x] You like the color green.
[x] You have been to a st.pattys day party.
[ ] You never had a hangover.
[ ] you have family from Ireland.
Total = 4

Black
[ ] You say nigga/nukka casually
[ ] You have nappy hair
[ ] You LOVE/LIKE rap
[x] You talk with slang
[] You know how to shoot a gun
[ x] You think President George Walker Bush is racist
[] You like chicken
[x] You like watermelon
Total =3

Asian
[ ] you have slanty eyes
[x] you LOVE rice
[x] are smart
[ x] you have played the piano
[ ] you have family from asia
[ ] you have teeny feet
[ ] you laugh sometimes covering your mouth
[ ] most people think you're chinese
[ ] you call hurricanes typhoons
Total = 3

German
[x] You like bread
[x]You think American Chocolate would be better with less Sugar
[ ] You dont drink your soda without ice
[x] You Speak German
[x] You know what Schnitzel is and you love it
[] You are Catholic or Lutheran
[ ] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi
[x] You went to Kindergarten yeaaaa!
[ x] you're over 5' 10"
Total: = 6

Canadian
[ ] You play hockey
[x] You love beer
[x]You say eh - sometimes, SHUT IT!
[x] You don't believe war is the answer
[] You know what poutine is
[ ](The real french not the canadian french)] You speak some french
[x] You love Tim Horton
[x] At one point you lived in a cabin
Total = 5

Howdy-ho folks, I suppose its time for an update of sorts.

I went to Colgate this weekend. It was quite nice actually. I saw Kevin and Allison and Kellen and a whole bunch of people. I got a chance to catch up with Linsday L which was also quite nice.

Allison and Kevin are very much a lot of fun to hang out. They are also a really adorable couple, and theyre one of the few couples that I actually enjoy hanging out with because they give me faith that possibly love actually exists.

Also I think Kevin and I will be taking a trip to Vegas for Spring Break if all works well, which of course is an awful idea, but at the same time absolutely wonderful, I just hope it doesnt result in any form of prostitution to gamble omre on my fault. It will be Kevin's responsibility to be the level headed one, but he is quite good at that.

I also got to hang out with Masha, which was absolutely excellent of course. It's great because she's not really only my old professor she is very much a friend and a mentor these days.

I am back home now, and trying to get everything including my life put back together once again. I have a messy room, and all sorts of silly things to do like this stupid assignment on D'angelos to research for some lame assignment for McVicar.

Okay I suppose I should work towards work

I haven't updated in quite a while. Lets see though, quite a few exciting things have been going on in the life of yours truly:

1. My job at Boston.com ended. When they hired me they knew I couldn't work full time during the school year, and it was a "This is a Summer thing, but we may keep you on in the Fall" they decided instead that they want someone who could be full time.

2. I moved. I now live in Allston, I very much like it. I am in a much more convenient location, and a much more Kassie friendly location. There is a Russian market across the street basically from my house. It's also much more T accessible and much closer to school. All good things.

3. I got a kitten, he is black, his name is Gena, and he is adorable

4. I start classes on Tuesday. Yep thats right, classes, Grad School classes.

5. My little brother started highschool, and he is playing football. This is only big in my life because it makes me feel incredibly old.

6. I got a new job. I am working for a professor cataloging his personal library. And I'm tutoring a middle school aged kid. All seemingly interesting tasks.

I think that is all