Vampires, Beer Cans and Baseball, OH MY!

I realize I'm crazy....

2008-04-20T22:06:12Z

But I've finally figured out what I'm doing next year, and well it's insane, but at the same time wonderful, and the idea of it makes me happier than anything has in a long, long time.

Next year, well I suppose I need to stop thinking in terms of years = school year, because soon I will no longer be a student. Anyways, I'll rephrase, come late August (probably) when I finish my dissertation (that i'll hopefully be allowed to write) I'll be moving back to the Boston area, and....

Starting a Theatre Company. Yep that's right. To those of you that may read this that have known me since my Grandstreet days, it makes sense, I miss Theatre, and I know I ran away from it a long, long time ago, because I was treated really badly by people I respected, but after a series of coincidences (that I mainly blame on Lera) as well as working for New Rep last year, I've decided it's time to go back to my first love, and I've found a way to incorporate my other love, Russian/Soviet history/culture. My fringe Theatre Co. will be a 501(c)3 non-profit, that provides a space for new and innovative Theatrical pieces to be performed, as well as bringing seldom done Russian and Soviet Theatre pieces to life in the states.

Now some of you may say, Boston, why Boston and not New York? That's simple, Boston is better equipped to support a Fringe Theatre company without running it into the ground, like I fear would happen in New York City. Also, I have theatre contacts in Boston that will help me if I struggle, and it's also easier to find actors willing to do something for peanuts in Boston. Also, theres a good chance New Rep can hire me to do oddball jobs next year, and I like Boston and I know Boston. Although because of my strong desire to live alone with my dog and cat, I'm thinking about living in Lowell and commuting into Boston rather than paying money I won't have to live in Boston, in a place that probably won't let me have my dog and cat.

I know this is all a big change from teaching, but I'm going to do it anyway. And the Russian/Soviet angle will look good when I decide to reapply for PhD programs.

It's crazy, but I'm only 23, it's alright to fuck up now, rather than later, while I'm young.

A big huge thank you to Lera and Rachael for talking me through the decision process and helping me believe in myself in the process

I believe..

2008-02-11T02:38:06Z

I believe in second chances, even third chances, maybe more. People are not perfect, and being as imperfect as we are every last one of us is bound to make a mistake every once in a while. I know that I have made my fair share and then some. I have not been a good person many times in my life. I am ashamed of those instances, but I don't regret them, regret is silly, it holds you back. I've learned that. I have to embrace who I am now is a result of the person I was three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, etc., and for the first time in my life I think I'm starting to maybe like the person that I am becoming.

St. Andrews is a very good place for me. I'm learning to be myself here outside of the vices of drugs, and especially alcohol that have been such a huge part of my life for the past few years. For years now I've been afraid to express my feelings, because for so long people told me I was stupid, I was overreacting or the worst, that I had no right to feel the way I did. So I bottled it up, drank myself stupid, and then cried, and babbled out what I was feeling, so no one had to take me seriously, but at least I'd said something. But I'm starting to try and talk again, even though I still worry that I'll be a burden to those people I love most. St. Andrews has made me realize that friends are friends because of who you are, not what you do, and as someone who constantly feels the need to please other people it's about time I figured that out. In general St. Andrews is making me a better and happier person. Lera said it herself, I'm happier and healthier here than she's seen me.

St. Andrews has also taught me that mistakes in the past can be corrected, well maybe not St. Andrews, but being here has taught me that. Lera, one of my dearest and most treasured friends, is a perfect example of that. For nearly a year we basically hated each other. Well she hated me, and I was afraid of her. But now, I can't imagine my life without her, I'm so glad that I got the courage to write her a stupid email out of nowhere that sparked the renewal of a really special friendship, and being so far apart from everything else I hold dear has proven to me that friendship isn't about space or time, it's about how you connect with a person, believing in someone else, because they believe in you; friendship is about support, honesty and understanding. Lera has given me the strength I need to be here and stay here, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Other people from my past are popping back into my life, as I feel yet other people who have been a huge part of my life for years fading into the background. Last summer I was able to reconnect with Jess Grennan, someone who was never really a friend before, but rather my boss, but my boss who took care of me, and gave me an opportunity most 17 year olds don't get. Now Jess is a fantastic friend, someone that I admire and love dearly, and all it took for me to forge a meaningful friendship with her was some time and a sleazy Helena bar. Chrissy is another person I feel is worth writing about. Chrissy is a major blast from the past, we were friends, good friends, nearly 8 years ago. That friendship fell apart because of me, jealousy and immaturity caused me to push away a really good person, and lose a really good friend for the better part of a decade. However over the last year, through of all things myspace, Chrissy has become a part of my life again, a friend that I feel comfortable with at least opening up to on some level, and someone that I hope feels like I'm worth having around for a while again. I'd like to see her again someday, and I may soon.

Other people are slowly fading out of my life. People that I thought would be apart of my life forever. I'm gone, forgotten, out of sight, out of mind. I'm okay with that on some level. My life is so different now then the lives of most people I thought would be my friends forever. I'm a world a way, literally thousands of miles a way, and I can't expect people to know how to cope and connect with me anymore. It hurts though, that I'm so easily forgotten. I feel like I've always been, my entire life, second choice. No one's best friend, easily forgotten, easily ignored and easy to dismiss as the crazy one.

With that said though I do have best friends, one who most people would say is not so good for me. He's a little crazy, and perhaps we make bad decisions together, but I care about him SO much, and I know, whether he shows it or not in a way that other people think is acceptable that he cares about me too. He's the kind of friend that knows how to cheer me up no matter what, even if it's not in the most productive way. He's also the kind of friend that will give me his opinion on anything, without really caring if it'll hurt my feelings or not, because it's what I need to hear. My other best friend, she's a different kind of friend, she's the kind of friend that supports me no matter what, but she also doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm being an idiot. She's the kind of friend that gives me the strength I need to make scary decisions. She's the kind of friend that will let me cry on her shoulder without trying to cheer me up because she knows that sometimes crying is the best remedy. Both of these people mean the world to me, and I'd be lost without them.

Tomorrow is the start of a new semester for me. I need to do well, my M.Litt hangs on this semester. I need to work hard, and I need to work well. So I needed to get some of this off my chest. I haven't been in the best frame of mind lately, and that's mainly because I've been holding in a lot of things. There's one person who needs a confrontation, but I don't know how to do it, so I'm slowly working my way there.

distress

2007-04-11T03:13:52Z

That is Mila, the most wonderful, fantastic cat that I know in this world. She's even more fantastic than my own kitty, Gena. Mila is Teri's cat, and has been for the past almost six years. She's always been a little off, but last Friday Teri found out Mila tested positive for teh Feline Leukemia Virus. A very distressing fact. At least Finn and Doyle are both healthy, but it still worries me, because I love Mila. Mila and I have always had a very special relationship ever since Teri got her. She always slept with me when I was at Teri's and the two times I've been very drunk and very sick at Teri's Mila has taken care of me.

It also worries me because it tears my heart apart to see Teri so upset, talking to her I realize that she is at every moment on the brink of tears. I want nothing more than to fix everything and make Mila better, perfect, just like she has always been in my life. I can't do that though, and it makes me hurt. I also hurt just because I love Mila almost as much as Teri does and I would be devestated if anything happened to little bug.

In short, I'm fucking worried, and I may be going home again for a weekend, just to comfort Teri if anything happens to Mila Monster.

i'm a fucking dumbass

2007-03-11T00:07:29Z

Me: "Shes the executer of my will"
Teri: "She means executor"

What a dumb fucking mistake, but at least it was funny, and Teri didn't make fun of me too much.

home is very good.

my little brother will be 15 tomorrow, where did the time fucking go?

and another, where did the time fucking go, statement: SPENCER WILL BE 5 ON FUCKING FRIDAY!

Mom

2007-02-14T09:49:55Z

Mom

i hate that i'm crazy because of you

i hate that my grades were never good enough, no matter how hard i tried
so i stopped trying

i hate that i worry that your ruining his life too, he doesn't deserve the same hell i've gone thru

i hate that i'm afraid to be home, home with people who love me because i'm afraid of seeing you

i hate the fact that i still feel like i'm 12, when i'm an adult

i hate that you don't understand me

i hate that we never talked, about anything

i hate the fact that no matter what, you won't deal with the fact that she's dead, has been dead, and will continue to be dead

i hate that i've never been something your proud of

i hate that my best has never and will probably never be good enough

i hate that you try to impose your values on me

i hate that you didnt leave me alone that night

i hate that you dont understand that i'm trying to help myself, to crawl out from under your pressure, and you won't accept it, you keep pushing me under

i hate, hate HATE the fact that my little brother calls in tears at least once a week because he's so mad and frustrated, and theres nothing i can do about it.

and most of all i hate the fact that no matter what i dont hate you

just some thoughts at 5 am

2007-01-15T09:55:42Z

Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in life. It's 5 am, and I just watched the first part of the series finale of Dawson's Creek, and I'm in some sort of teary mess now. I can't figure it out. How come I'm the one thats sitting here, right now, all by myself, stuck somewhere between miserable and hopelessly depressed.

I keep trying to figure out what I'm running from, where I'm trying to go, but I can't, I'm almost convinced that I'm running from myself, and I'll never get away.

Oh god, I wish I could figure this all out. i wish I knew how to make friends again, friends like I have at home, and I wish, and I wonder why i ever felt the need to get out of Helena in the first fucking place. I'm pretty convinced every now and then that it was the wrong decision.

I'm done, just confused, and done, and not willing to fight anymore

and over again

2007-01-08T20:58:34Z

As breaks goes, this one was relatively acceptable. It's coming to an end now, and I"m simply just waiting for the emotional impact of going back to Boston and resuming my life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Boston, I enjoy my roomates, and I'm having a good time trying to get everything to work out, however, being home I have realized just a few things, and I have also realized how truly blessed I am to come from where i come from.

In life, I truly believe that people come and people go. Friends can be friends for a specific time period, to teach you something, or friends can be lifelong friends, people that will always be in your heart, and know how to make you smile.

I've had some really fantastic conversations this break, that have really opened my eyes to what I want out of the world, and what I should expect from people. It's amazing, because although most of these conversations have been with people older than I, I did have a conversation that was just fantastic with Mary, who is my junior...okay only by about six months, but she's still at Colgate, and will be for another year and a half, and I'm done, out, and perhaps have something of worth to say.

I also remembered something while I was home for break, I remembered why I cared once. Jodi reminded me that I actually did something for worth, that made a difference for a significant chunk of my high school years. Sure I was only an Intern at the democratic party, and sure, that probably doesnt mean much to anyone, but I was part of something, i was part of the gradual, yet sucessful democratic takeback of montana. This past election cycle was the first at the party without bob, brad, jodi, etc and look what happened, we actually lost seats. It's actually kind of cool to think that I had something to dow tih that, even if it just meant stuffing envelopes, calling volunteers, etc.

I've definitely done enough bulk mailings though to last my entire life.

I probably have so much more to say, I just don't know what to say.

So just so you know, you know who you are but thank you so much for making my life a better thing

Happy New Years

2007-01-02T19:43:55Z

So its is now officially 2007. I've already had a hangover, bad service at IHOP and been in the middle of a war zone thanks to my emotionally unstable family. So now its time to look back on 2006, the highs, the lows, the hangovers, and the fights, to see what I can take from last year in an effort to make me a better person, or some emotional shit like that.

January: Started off with the normal New Years trend of party at Kaci's, involving silly games, and walks around the block. It ended with hangovers and blacking out drunk. In between, strangely enough 2006 started the same way it would end. I got into trouble at a party at Kaci's while wicked drunk, and had to call Teri to come to the rescue...more on that later. I don't remember much else about January.

February: Lets see, Loincloth played Nichols, I got wicked sicck, and quickly counted down the days to my 21st birthday.

March: My birthday, finally my fucking birthday, finally 21. I managed a trip home for spring break, where I had an interesting break. I got to spend the birthday with the one and only Teri, which was freaking awesome. A little sister needs to be taken out for her first legal drink by her big sister. Also went back to Colgate, prom, etc.

April: Um did anything intersting happen in april? Oh right, Battle of the Bands, which resulted in me going into a drunken rage. Drag Ball. And that fantastic video Lera and I made for her interview for Lowell Whiteman

May: Graduation, graduation, graduation. OH and Hilton Head that was suprisingly a very good time, even though I was super worried about the whole trip. I did get bit by a spider inside my ear...but oh well. Back to graduation though, I don't remember much of the whole weekend, something about way too much alcohol. Ha. I also moved to Boston.

June-August: The summer was not very memorable, in fact it was one of the hardest summers of my life. Andrea visited me. And that was about all that was exciting. I did move into my new apartment at the end of the month, which was pretty freaking awesome. ANNNNDDDD I ALSO GOT MY FANTASTIC KITTY GENA!

September: Started grad school, thought it worked out well to start with, I learned that I don't like many people, other than my roomates. I picked up a job or 12.

October: Allison's birthday was pretty awesome. My depression was pretty awesome. I I I I dunno. Found out about the hypothyroidism.

November: Um, I became an insomniac....a big complete and total insomniac. Teri finally called me back

December: Tim came to visit, Masha saved my life...and I came home. The year practically ended the same way it began, I got into a bad decision at a party at Kaci's house, had a panic attack, and Teri came to save me. I also got to spend a little bit of time with the Teri, she got me into makeup. And New Years eve...much much much too drunky but good

So 2006 is over, and 2007 continues. I've been blessed to have a few people in my life, and I've been blessed to be able to play around with grad school, etc.

I think now I must retire to think some more, but look for a new bulletin re 2006 again sometimes soon

bluethechicken @ 2007-01-01T01:59:00

2007-01-01T01:59:10Z

01) What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
graduated from college, uhh moved to boston?
02) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more?
i dont make them
03) Did anyone close to you give birth?
um...no
04) Did anyone close to you die?
hmmmm, not that i can think of no
05) What countries did you visit?
basically been here the whole time
06) What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
probably more self confidence
07) What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
my 21st was pretty memorable, so was loincloth's last gig, so was graduation weekend, and sounds of the underground
08) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating college
09) What was your biggest failure?
i pretty much fail at life
10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
um, lets see i broke my neck
11) What was the best thing you bought?
a kitty! well i didn't buy him, but i got him
12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
my little brother's for surviving my mom
13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
kaci, oh basically all my friends from home
14) Where did most of your money go?food, clothes, rent, tuition
15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing the big sis, my 21st with my big sis, baseball
16) What songs will always remind you of 2006?
striped raped and strangled
17) Compared to this time last year, you are:
Happier or sadder? Sadder
Poorer or richer? Richer
Healthier or not? probably healthier
18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Meeting new people
19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking, being depressed
20) How will you spend Christmas?
ALready gone
21) How will you be spending New Years?
at millers with kathryn?
22) Did you fall in love in 2006?
nope, fell out of love, way out of love
23) How many one-night stands?
1ish?
24) What was your favorite TV program?
south of nowhere, how i met your mother
25) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
actually yes
26) What was the best book you read?
did i read books? oh the romanov prophecy was pretty good
27) What was your greatest musical discovery?
guns and roses again
28) What did you want and get?
a kitty
29) What did you want and not get?
a life
30) What was your favorite film this year?
good shepard
31) What did you do on your birthday?
teri took me out for my very first legal drink!
32) What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
doing something other than journalism school
33) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
me
34) What kept you sane?
gena and my roomates
35) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
gabrielle christian
36) What political issue stirred you the most?
Mid-term elections
37) Who did you miss?
TERI!!! rehanna and the kids
38) Who was the best new person you met?
definitely my roomie rachael
39) Tell us a(many) valuable life lesson(s) you learned in 2006:
its hard to be yourself in a world where people expect too much from you, so look for the ones that expect you to be yourself and you'll be pretty well off (thanks teri)

bluethechicken @ 2006-12-27T09:10:00

2006-12-27T09:10:44Z

so lately, i've been feeling quite out of sorts.

i think it has to do with the changes that have happened since the last time i was home.

its weird, because home is usually the one thing that doesnt change, no matter how much i do.

i feel very out of sorts with my old friends, and i think thats because i never quite know how they will react to the kassie i am. thats why i like the colgate people so much, theyre ready for me, and know what happens when i drink. haha. that and people like allison and kevin know how to keep me resembling sanity while still drunk beyond belief...its a funny balance. but hey guess what, allison has a knee. (thats old i know)

i saw rehanna and the kids on xmas eve. it was very good. the kids got their bikes, they gave me some love, and i got to talk some to re. its nice to know that re misses me, and i do miss her, very very much.

i like that as i grow up people that i've looked up to and admire are now becoming very close friends, that not only i can trust, but also trust me. its a very strange/funny balance, but i like it.

i'm going to bozeman this weekend to spend some time with the teri. i can't quite wait for it. i'm hoping we'll watch some buffy, because really nothing is better than the teri and the buffy, and maybe some of the marijuana too (that could be very interesting........)

okay i may actually try and sleep.

blah

anyone have any words of encouragement?

along time running

2006-11-10T07:25:44Z

this post has been a long time coming
This blog, these thoughts, have been floating around in my head for a long, long time, as I struggle to deal with what I have become, and what I have lost.

On Monday night, Teri made a comment that disturbed me, and it did so because its true. She told me I'd lost my compassion, and that made her sad. It's so true, I have become a bitter, cynical shell of the person I once was, and I'm not sure why that's happened.

I think, in all honesty it stems from many things, my insecurities, my inhibitions, and most of all the amount of times I've been hurt in my life, and because of all of those factors I am no longer able to care.

Lately, people have been bothering me a lot, and I"m wondering if thats a manifestation, among many things of a bipolar cycle. That's not all thats causing it though. I think that I"m tired of being surrounded by self-righteous people who have all the answers. I'm tired of that type of person, because I used to be that type of person, and I've lost all of that. I used to care about things, about people, and about making a difference and changing the world.

I blame all of these things on the fact that I've been hurt my entire life. Friends have forgotten me or forsaken me, lovers have betrayed me and broken my heart, and even my parents have been disappointed in the life i've chosen to attempt to pursue.

what's wrong with that though is that i'm not happy with the life i've chosen to pursue, because i don't know what i want. i have to true loves in life, soviet history and baseball. unfortunately, i chose baseball in a tepid attempt to be a journalist because the big story is that i'm afriad of not being able to handle myself in a world where its difficult to find work, to be original, and to be someone who teaches someone else.

Also, no one seems to understand my real passions in life, and because of that i pick and chose.

i wish i knew how to feel again, and i don't know where to put these thoughts or these feelings, and there aren't that many people who care to listen.

shit i woke up way too late to get to russian on time

2006-10-27T15:02:12Z

Stolen from Allison
I'm russian OBVIOIUSLY

sometimes i wish i wasn't a failure at thigns like waking up

now i have to go explain to marina why i wasn't in class, and figure out what we're supposed to be writing about for monday....i' waiting for her to yell at me.........sweet i love it when russian babyshkas yell at me

sight

Italian
[x] The Godfather is a great movie.
[ ](Grandfather too)] Your grandmother makes her own sauce.
[ ] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know a lot of italian songs.
[ ] You have dark hair and dark eye color
[ ] You speak some italian.
[] You are under 5'10''.
[] Pizza is the best food in the world.
[x ] You talk with your hands.
Total= 2

Hispanic
[ ] You say member instead of REmember
[ ] You speak spanish.
[x] You love rice and Beans.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.
[ ] You are dark skinned
[ ] You know what a Bodega is.
[ ] You talk fast.
[ ] If you are a guy you get a shape up, If you are a girl you have had highlights or dyed your hair.
Total= 1

Russian
[ ] you say villian as: Vee-lon
[x] you know of sombody named boris/natasha
[x] you get cold easily
[x] you get short tempered
[x] white white skinned
[ ] you are athletic
[x] snow is fun for you
[x] You get into contests often
[ x] You can easily make do with the cold weather
Total = 7

Irish
[x] you think beer is the best.
[x] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc OR Murph or O' or Fitz or ends with a ly,on,sh,un,an,ry,lo.
[] You have blue or green eyes.
[x] You like the color green.
[x] You have been to a st.pattys day party.
[ ] You never had a hangover.
[ ] you have family from Ireland.
Total = 4

Black
[ ] You say nigga/nukka casually
[ ] You have nappy hair
[ ] You LOVE/LIKE rap
[x] You talk with slang
[] You know how to shoot a gun
[ x] You think President George Walker Bush is racist
[] You like chicken
[x] You like watermelon
Total =3

Asian
[ ] you have slanty eyes
[x] you LOVE rice
[x] are smart
[ x] you have played the piano
[ ] you have family from asia
[ ] you have teeny feet
[ ] you laugh sometimes covering your mouth
[ ] most people think you're chinese
[ ] you call hurricanes typhoons
Total = 3

German
[x] You like bread
[x]You think American Chocolate would be better with less Sugar
[ ] You dont drink your soda without ice
[x] You Speak German
[x] You know what Schnitzel is and you love it
[] You are Catholic or Lutheran
[ ] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi
[x] You went to Kindergarten yeaaaa!
[ x] you're over 5' 10"
Total: = 6

Canadian
[ ] You play hockey
[x] You love beer
[x]You say eh - sometimes, SHUT IT!
[x] You don't believe war is the answer
[] You know what poutine is
[ ](The real french not the canadian french)] You speak some french
[x] You love Tim Horton
[x] At one point you lived in a cabin
Total = 5

newborn babies are wicked ugly

2006-10-11T22:10:44Z

Howdy-ho folks, I suppose its time for an update of sorts.

I went to Colgate this weekend. It was quite nice actually. I saw Kevin and Allison and Kellen and a whole bunch of people. I got a chance to catch up with Linsday L which was also quite nice.

Allison and Kevin are very much a lot of fun to hang out. They are also a really adorable couple, and theyre one of the few couples that I actually enjoy hanging out with because they give me faith that possibly love actually exists.

Also I think Kevin and I will be taking a trip to Vegas for Spring Break if all works well, which of course is an awful idea, but at the same time absolutely wonderful, I just hope it doesnt result in any form of prostitution to gamble omre on my fault. It will be Kevin's responsibility to be the level headed one, but he is quite good at that.

I also got to hang out with Masha, which was absolutely excellent of course. It's great because she's not really only my old professor she is very much a friend and a mentor these days.

I am back home now, and trying to get everything including my life put back together once again. I have a messy room, and all sorts of silly things to do like this stupid assignment on D'angelos to research for some lame assignment for McVicar.

Okay I suppose I should work towards work

bluethechicken @ 2006-10-02T02:15:00

2006-10-02T06:17:30Z

why do i always have to apologize for my feelings?

bluethechicken @ 2006-09-30T03:55:00

2006-09-30T08:05:37Z

along time ago, I lost myself, caught up in lies, and drugs and misconceptions and allusions, and I turned into the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. I stopped doing what I cared about because it was giving me nothing back, no recognition, and it was just causing me pain. The only time I've been happy in the past decade was at speech and debate. I could get up in front of a crowd and try to impress someone, and eventually my hardwork started to pay off. nothing, absolutely nothing gives me that kind of power anymore. I pour my heart into senseless obsessions like baseball and hockey because i can hide behind the numbers and the knowledge, and i dont have to feel because for the four hours i'm watching a red sox game i know everything, and i know i might get hurt, the pitching staff will fall apart, runs won't be scored, but theres always the next time. the next night, the next game, the next year. I don't have anyone anymore, you know that stupid saying "out of sight, out of mind" well it's totally true. i'm surprised people even remember who the hell i am. i just want someone to care about me. someone to make me feel special, and like i'm someone worth knowing. i had that for a little while, but it was never true. god i don't even want a romantic interest i want a best friend, i want someone, anyone to prove to me that they care. i'm so lost, and no one seems to understand that. there are always excuses, but i never get picked first, i never get remembered, i get shoved under the fucking carpet. i jsut want to be happy again, but i don't know how to do that, i just want someone to care.

bluethechicken @ 2006-09-07T13:44:00

2006-09-07T17:45:10Z

What the fuck ever happened to me?

short order

2006-09-03T04:10:41Z

I haven't updated in quite a while. Lets see though, quite a few exciting things have been going on in the life of yours truly:

1. My job at Boston.com ended. When they hired me they knew I couldn't work full time during the school year, and it was a "This is a Summer thing, but we may keep you on in the Fall" they decided instead that they want someone who could be full time.

2. I moved. I now live in Allston, I very much like it. I am in a much more convenient location, and a much more Kassie friendly location. There is a Russian market across the street basically from my house. It's also much more T accessible and much closer to school. All good things.

3. I got a kitten, he is black, his name is Gena, and he is adorable

4. I start classes on Tuesday. Yep thats right, classes, Grad School classes.

5. My little brother started highschool, and he is playing football. This is only big in my life because it makes me feel incredibly old.

6. I got a new job. I am working for a professor cataloging his personal library. And I'm tutoring a middle school aged kid. All seemingly interesting tasks.

I think that is all

bluethechicken @ 2006-07-12T13:37:00

2006-07-12T17:37:21Z

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (nope..just had the psycho ex)	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes. (or all the time)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

✓ I have broken someone's bones.	× I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	✓ I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	✓ I talk really, really fast. (if i'm really hyper and or really stressed)	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
✓ I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
✓ I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
× I like the way that I look.	× I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	✓ I am usually pessimistic.
✓ I have a lot of mood swings. (what can I say, I'm a bipolar)	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	× I slept with a roommate.
× I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends.
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex. (and or slept with...)	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	✓ I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
× I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother. (only sometimes)
✓ I have a mobile phone.	✓ I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	× I've rejected someone before.
× I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	× I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn. (don't we all?)	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	✓ I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
✓ I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends. (a very select few)	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (not because you get free candy, but I love halloween)	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	× I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	✓ Democrat.	× Republican.
× I don't even know what I am.	✓ I am punk rockish.	✓ I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car.
× I love my job(s).	× I am comfortable with who I am right now.	✓ I have more than just my ears pierced.
✓ I walk barefoot wherever I can.	× I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	× I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	✓ I am proficient on a musical instrument.
× I hate office jobs.	✓ I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
✓ I am a pyro.	✓ I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
✓ I fall for the worst people.	✓ I adore bright colours. (orange!)	× I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
× I have ridden/owned a horse.	× I still have every journal I've ever written in.	✓ I talk in my sleep.
✓ I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century. (decade not century...I want to play Soviet Russia)	✓ I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
✓ I have a tattoo. (or 3)	✓ I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
× I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	✓ If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	× I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
✓ I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	× I'm an artist.	✓ I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
✓ I have lived in either three different states or countries.	× I am extremely flexible.	× I love hugs more than kisses.
× I want to own my own business.	✓ I smoke.	× I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	× I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
✓ I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	✓ I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
✓ I can't stand being alone.	× I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
× I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	× I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
✓ I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language. (Russian)	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV.	✓ I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
× I have no piercings.	✓ I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	× There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
× I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	× I have hit someone with a dead fish.
× I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	✓ I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
✓ I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on. (or atleast some kind of background noise)	✓ I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	× I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird. (Cannibal Corpse?)
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	× I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	× I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
✓ I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it. (I wanna play Soviet Russia)	✓ I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
× I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	× I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	× I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
× I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	✓ I've performed in three plays. (or more...)
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	✓ I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	✓ Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	× Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
✓ I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	× I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	× I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	× I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
× Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	✓ Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	× I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

bluethechicken @ 2006-07-01T20:16:00

2006-07-02T00:21:11Z

Finish the sentence:

1. I've come to realize that my ex...
was fuckin insane

2. I am listening to...
the redsox game on weei

3. Maybe I should...
go for a run

4. I love...
this city

5. My best friends...
are few and far between

6. I don't understand...
hypocrisy

7. I lose...
my heart easily

8. People say...
i'm confusing

9. The meaning of my screen name is...
leninwearsredsox-duh...baseball and lenin my two loves
bluethechicken - old joke

10. Love is...
not real

11. Somewhere, someone is...
missing me (yeah probably not)

12. I will always...
lead with my heart

13. Forever seems...
to long

14. I never want to...
be alone

15. My mobile phone is...
a thorn in my side sometimes

16. When I wake up in the morning...
i groan

17. I get annoyed when...
people are HUGE fucking hypocrits

18. Parties are.....
a thing of my past it seems

19. My fish are...
i dont have fish

20. Kisses are the worst when...
they are for pity

21. Today I...
went grocery shopping and did some laundry

22. Tonight I will...
probably go for a run and watch buffy

23. Tomorrow I will...
clean up some and wait for allison and kev to get here

24. I really want...
grad school to start

...

2006-06-03T21:16:31Z

I'm lonely

too lonely

and thats when my depression comes out at full force

i'm really lonely

how do i make friends?

bluethechicken @ 2006-05-29T02:14:00

2006-05-29T06:27:48Z

I wish I could write down all that is going through my head right now. I guess this is what the real world is about. I'm a college graduate right now. Going home to mom and dad and all that jazz just doesnt mean the same thing. Now when I go home, its to visit, its not because I live there.

I think as much as I hated Colgate that I will truly miss my time there.

I hope that when I think of Colgate in 10 years I will remember the good times, the good people, and all that I learned, and that I will by then forget all the bad times, the bad people and the stupid mistakes and decisions I made.

The things and people I want to remember

Tim: all that goes along with him, the good, the bad and the downright ugly are all part of why I love that kid to death, and cherish his friendship more than anything in the world. That boy has been around for me through so much, through so many bad choices, stupid mistakes, and downright fuckups he's always had my back. He's always been willing to give me more chances, and he's always been able to make me laugh. For all of that I Love him.

Allison: I wish that we could have been friends from her first day at Colgate onwards. I don't know how I could have survived this past semester without her. She is by far one of the best people I know. She jumps at a chance to help someone she cares about, and always knows how to make me laugh, and make fun of me for the stupidest things ever. I leave Colgate in her hands, and know that she will raise just as much hell as Tim and I did.

Wendy: I wish I had gotten to know her earlier. She is such a good friend, and in so many ways her and I are so very alike. I really enjoyed and appreciated our growing friendship this year, and hope that we will remain in touch. She has a way of putting things in perspective that I really appreciate, and she also knows how to have a good time, and well because of me, according to Jane Jones that is, she is an alcholic. I guess we are alcoholics if we decided that going out for beers is more productive than the gym...hmmmm

Lera: I am so glad we had a chance to reconnect and strengthen our friendship. Lera provided me with levelheadedness and rationality in a world of irrationality and spontanaeity. More than anything Lera is someone I can talk to, someone who cares and will listen to me, no matter what.

Masha: I am thankful every day that I was lucky enough to have a mentor like Masha. She gave me the advice and the support I needed to survive a hellish year, full of ups and downs that only she really knew the extent of in many ways. Her mentorship led me to push myself towards goals I never dreamed I could survive, and god damnit I did it. She also was a place for me to run away too, a person who would let me cry, and get it out of my system before trying to fix anything.

The Class of 1934 House: What a setting that house provided for wonderful ridiculousness that will always hold a special place in my heart.

Lawrence 201: Its silly, but that classroom is where I learned to speak the language I love.

that is all for now

I think I'm so nostalgic because Im so lonely...if any one wants to come visit me in Boston, please feel free to do so

I dont even know where to begin

2006-05-23T05:08:38Z

Well, I am home now. No, not in Montana, but at my new home, in Cambridge, with my new roomates, who know nothing about me. I am I am I am

I dont know

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and be forced to crawl down out of bed on my chair, I want to wake up tomorrow morning to tim asking me if he broke the ping-pong table. i want to shovel glass on a sunday night. I want it all to be back. I want to tickle wendy and kaitlyn's feet while theyre having an orgy at 4 am, I want to say fuck the gym and go get beers with wendy, i want to sit in masha's office and just cry because i'm so stressed out, i want to sit on the porch at 34 and enjoy a cigarette as I stare into space, I want to drive to Zebs with Allison for no particularily good reason, I want to drink myself stupid on a wednesday night because i can, i want to i wnat to, i want to

i want it all back

why did the time go by so quickly

I already feel as if I've let it all slip away too quickly

its me again

2006-05-10T07:31:01Z

goodbyes suck

saying goodbye to lera has been hard enough

and now soon i have goodbye to tim, and allison

my two best friends at colgate

i know that allison will come visit me

and tim will too

but what if?

what if i'm forgotten while i'm in my own world in boston?

what if?

i want to be a part of their lives forever

because they have had such a positive impact on me

ahhhhh

i hate goodbyes

goodbyes

2006-05-10T06:42:50Z

well i've said my first goodbyes

lera tonight

a hug and an exchange of presents

i couldn't hold back the tears though when i read what she wrote me

i will miss her

she has been my sane friend this year

i hope she knows how much she means to me

i want so much fo rhtis not to be th elast goodbye

i'm so sad that this is all

its not time to say goodb ye

i'm denying it all

i will miss lera so much

i cant thank her enough for being my sanity this past year, my jiminy cricket

i can do it all though

i just hope that people wont say goodbye, just goodbye for now

because allison fed my craving for surveys and i'm clearly an insomniac today

2006-05-09T09:40:56Z

A - Available?: nope nope
A - Age?: finally fucking 21
A - Annoyance?: tim and ellen fucking

B - Best Friends? Timmer, Teri, Allison
B - Boyfriend's name?: hahahaha, I wish it started with a D
B - Birthday?: March 15

C- Crush?: D.L
C - Car?: My beautiful Subaru
C - Cat?: i want a kitty

D - Do You Have Pets?: i have two gerbils, boris and nikolai
D - Dads Name?: Karl
D - Dog?:I do, his name is baxter

E - Easiest person to talk to?:Teri
E - Eggs?: i like omelettes
E - Email?: Addicted.

F - Favorite color?: ORANGE
F - Food?: uhhh cheese enchilladas
F - Foreign Language?: RUSSIAN duh

G - Gummy Bears or Worms?: Bears
G - God?: Yeah.
G - Girlfriend?: oy

H - Hair Color?:reddish
H - Height?: 5'11
H - Happy?: ish yes

I - Ice Cream?: oh god!
I - Instrument?: da bass
I - Idol?: v.i lenin

J - Jewelry?: my watch
J - Job?: baseball
J - Joke?: how high was the grass in germany in 1945?

K - Kids?: i'm gonna adopt russians
K - Karate?: reminds me of katie heagle right now, don't ask
K - Kite?: i like kites

L - Longest Car Ride: montana to schools
L - Longest Relationship: 8 mos
L - Last Person you spoke to on the phone: teri?

M - Milk Flavor: ewwwww
M - Mothers Name: Karen
M - Movie Last Watched: Uhhhh Hitch?

N - Number of Siblings:
N - Northern or Southern: northern, sorry allison
N - Name: Kassie L Kallin

O - ONE Wish?: that um, i was, oh i dont know
O - One Phobia?: spiders
O - Only goal: To be a wino professor 4 lyfe (totally allison!)

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: married
P - Part of your appearance you like best: um, does my new tattoo count?
P - Part of your personality you like best: i'm a horrible person

Q - Quote: "cuz every tool is a weapon if you hold it right?"
Q - Question for the next person: What? I dont get it?
Q - Quick or Slow?: me on time? hahahaha never

R - Reason to smile: Masha and I hung out tonight
R - Reality TV Show: paramedics
R - Right or Left: Right well I'm technically ambi

S - Song Last Heard: something by leningrad
S - Season: kassie like fall
S - Sex: In Russian, one can say "i studied the sex."

T - Time you woke up: 1ish
T - Time Now: 5:38am
T - Time for bed: soonish I suppose

U - Unknown Fact about me: i'm afraid of the dark
U - Unicorns?: Yeah.
U - U are......?: retarded

V - Vegetable you hate: Green beans from the can
V - Vegetable you love most? asparagus
V - View on Politics: don't get me started

W- Worst Habits: living in a trash heap
W- What do you wanna be when you grow up: A professor.
W- Where are you traveling to next?: hilton head, sc

X - X-Rays: what haven't i had x-rayed
X - X-Rated Porn: hahaha oh stileproject
X - X-Files: um oy

Y - Year you were born: 1985
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow?: no one is home

Z - Zoo Animal: koala bears
Z - Zodiac: pisces
Z - Zeal towards: baseball, music